Issue: Winter 2000  

Headline: The Easy Path

Or

How To Be a Star Even If You're Not Too Bright.

Let's face it- you should be on stage. Why this hasn't happened already is a puzzlement to everyone, especially you, since your hidden talents are so clearly visible. It's time to take matters into your own hands.

It's probably not wise to analyze your motives too closely, but it'll help move you in the right direction. Hoping to get laid? Be a singer. Want to feel abject terror before going on stage? Stand-up comedy is for you. Want people to think you're deep? Act. Genuine exhibitionist? Look into dance.

So your new millennium's resolution is to get your artistic fanny into the spotlight's beam, and you've taken that first, crucial step by laying your eyebones on this article. I will guide you along the Easy Path, which will get you in front of an audience asap.

Now don't get confused; this is not about getting rich and famous or even becoming a professional performing artist. Those people violated many sacred principles of the Easy Path. Among their errors: Expecting to Make Money, Willing to do the Hard Work, Moving to Large City, and Willing to Schmooze the Sleazy. Many professionals don't choose to be artists, they're somehow compelled to be artists. Poor saps.

Once you've decided in what form to grace the stage, the Easy Path forks, and you must choose between The Way of Judgement and The Way of the Bull.

The Way of Judgement is especially suited for those with some minimal complement of actual talent, since you actually subject yourself to the judgement of others. This usually happens via audition. Sometimes auditions are by invitation (yes, sometimes it is a matter of who do you know), but often there are at least a few parts that aren't pre-cast. Auditions for these parts are announced usually via fliers and notices in the papers. Look for fliers on campus for notices where the related courses are taught-music department, theater department, dance department, whatever your bag is-and also near the places where the performances happen. Actors might want to check around the actors' theater downtown on Center street for audition notices for plays and staged readings.

The Way of the Bull is great if you're full of energy and confidence and impatience. The Path of the Bull is easier in some ways- you produce a show and make yourself the star. After all, you're already sleeping with yourself. All you need is some material to perform, and maybe some other performers, in which case you can just post some audition notices, but watch out for crazies auditioning just because they made a resolution to be on stage this year. Then book a venue. College students should be able to get a space for nearly free; ask about dining halls, large classrooms, small performance spaces, and even outdoor stages. Downtown you can rent the Actors' Theater, the Broadway Playhouse, or the Vet's Hall at reasonable prices, or ask any church contacts you may have. For an audience, just tell ALL your friends and family. They should be willing to check out your act at least once. If that won't fill the house, write to all the local papers and give them an announcement of the event with a short description, dates and times, ticket information, location, and an eye-catching (read: sexy) photo. The more eye catching (sexy) the photo, the more likely it is they'll run it. At minimum, they'll probably announce the show in the calendar section, and it won't cost you anything.

At the end of the Easy Path is the Grotto of Reckoning, where you'll have to deal with an unpleasant side effect of the Easy Path: You might suck, and people might notice. Easy Path literature deals with this rather tidily with several Solutions, in order of diminishing easiness:

Solution of the Peacock: Blame the audience for their lack of taste. Egomaniacs never suck; just ask them.

Solution of the Herd Dog: Get an audience that doesn't know any better. Say you're a singer/songwriter. Your lyrics have some funny parts, but your singing and guitar playing falls short. This is a job for rowdy friends, who don't normally listen to that kind of music and will cheer you on no matter what. They'll laugh at the funny parts. You'll have a ball. On the other hand, if you advertise, people who like singer/songwriters will show up and compare you to their CD collection. Ouch. If you don't have enough friends, try finding an audience who're thankful for anything you can do: retirement "villas," schools, jails.

Solution of the One Trick Pony: Pick something to perform that exploits your strengths and avoids all your weaknesses. Everyone has enough natural ability to pull of at least one good show. As long as you never set foot on stage again, nobody will be the wiser. If your talent starts and ends with a hysterical impression of Al Gore trying to fix a lawnmower, that might get you through one stand-up routine, but you'd better retire after that.

Solution of the Ant: Work at being good at your craft. Take lessons. Start small and watch the pros closely. Don't quit your day job. Be humble and make lots of contacts. If you stray from the Easy Path, try not to be too hard on those who don't.

Good luck. I wish I could come see you, but I'm busy that night.