Headline: Neither Rain Nor Sleet Nor Spores

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And anthrax, of course." --United States Postal Worker.

I'm flabbergasted to hear that post offices are reporting huge numbers of applications for temporary holiday work.

As if working there wasn't iffy enough already--carriers face weather, dogs, weirdoes, and aching feet. Sorters face the terrible twins of exhaustion and boredom. Holiday party invitations tend to drop off when the host is worried about a guest "going postal" at the buffet.

Now postal workers are confronted with anthrax. Between the idea of taking part in delivering such a bacterial bomb and worrying about contracting something themselves, the job must be a lot less fun for your local postman.

They used to be called postmen, but that excluded women, so they started using the title postal carrier. Unfortunately, "carrier" is also the term for someone who unwittingly transmits disease, so that won't do any more. Be sure to tip your posthuman this year.

The post office expects bigger than usual losses this year as a result of 10% fewer letters being sent since 9-11. I don't get it. I can understand 10% fewer letters being opened, but not sent--senders have nothing to fear but a rise in stamp prices.

Since many terrorist acts are perpetrated to draw attention to specific causes, it's interesting that nobody has claimed responsibility for the anthrax letter attacks. The joke going around is that somebody did claim responsibility, but the letter got lost in the mail.

If notoriety isn't the motive, some say, they must have been sincerely trying to kill the addressees on the envelopes. I'm sorry, but it's hard to imagine that anyone smart enough to develop sophisticated biological weapons would be dumb enough to think that Dan Rather opens his own mail.

So that leaves fear. Somebody wants to elevate the level of anxiety in this country, and they're doing a great job. Who doesn't think about anthrax every time they open the mailbox?

I think about it. And I think about the postal workers in this country, and I worry about them, and I think they're a hell of a lot braver than I am, because I'd quit that gig unless they immediately issued me a space suit and a promised a cheering crowd every time I went to work.

So this year, the backs of my Christmas card envelopes will say "Thanks for sticking it out."

Just out of curiosity, as anyone checked that it wasn't really sent by that 4th grade class? Some of those science textbooks are pretty sophisticated.