Does it matter, really if a person constantly stumbles over the English language? Do correct spelling, grammar and punctuation count for anything in the grand scheme of things?

          No. I mean yes. Or no. One of my resolutions this year is to get over being so annoyed by minor language infractions, but it’s not going to be easy. I see simple mistakes everywhere. I seem to be constantly stuck in proofreading mode. For instance, the first thing I do at a new restaurant is scan the menu for errors. Seeing things like “Fresh Oyster’s” reveals a level of inattention that I fear extends to the kitchen. More common are mistakes written on the specials board, like “Leave room for desert!” Those bother me less because they’re probably written by a waitperson who was recruited more for their nice handwriting than their spelling. But the menu- that responsibility goes to the top.

         The mistakes that bug me most are the misuse of apostrophe’s and confusion between their, they’re, and there. As far as I’m concerned, “Employees must wash there hands before going back to work” doesn’t inspire a sense of cleanliness. Why? Because I have this prejudice that bad spelling equals stupidity.

         I know it’s not true. Most bad spellers I know are not dumb at all. But the prejudice persists. Not that I’m so perfect-- my spellchecker has already caught me typing “grammer.” It looked right at first. Actually, I find myself misspelling words that I used to know, and for this I blame the internet and public restrooms. How is anybody supposed to get it right with these institutions in the way?

         The internet was invented by Al Gore to spread porn and illiteracy throughout the world. Go to the reader’s comments on sites like Amazon.com, Netlflix.com, epinions.com, or visit a chat room, and you’ll see that bad spelling and opinions go together like teenage girls and exclamation points. If you spend enough time on line, you see things written incorrectly so often that correct usage starts to look wrong. I also notice that the most misinformed, arrogant, and rude contributors tend to break the most language rules, which just fuels my bias.

         “If your horny, call…” In the world of bathroom graffiti, spelling is so consistently incorrect that I suspect it’s done on purpose. I mean, these people are so devoted to written expression that they can’t be confined to mainstream outlets. Given their dedication to writing and the apparent strength of their opposition to homosexuality, how is it that each and every one spells it “fagot?” It doesn’t add up. Do they have their own underground dictionary specifying how certain words should be misspelled? Maybe they’re trying to be ironic. Maybe they’re college professors covering their tracks. Or maybe it’s just the fumes from the pen.

         Many people who make these mistakes will say, “What’s the problem, you know what I mean.” To this I can only say that the problem is that you may be mistakenly presumed to be dumb. For many folks like me, sloppy language use is just one of those things, like Tennessee Valley accents or missing teeth and bowl haircuts, that cast suspicion upon your smart-bone.

         Actually, I’m more bothered by overused buzzwords and phrases that take the mojo out of perfectly good vocabulary. Take for instance the word “passion.” Everybody these days claims to have one or more passions, but not long ago a passion was a pretty strong and rare thing. Now, thanks to Oprah types, phrases beginning with “I have a passion for…” are common to the point of cliché. It’s hard not to laugh at somebody who writes “I have a passion for wholesale inventory management” on their job application, and anyone with “I have a passion for cats” on their personals ad is, in my opinion, undateable.

         It hurts me more when it’s used for a business. “We’re passionate about carpet cleaning!” is just goofy, especially the “we” part. Maybe the owner feels that way, since one of his passions is probably making money off minimum wage workers, but the guy actually operating the machine probably feels more passionate about getting another job.

         I feel passionate about detesting language that takes advantage of people, and maybe that’s where I should channel my energy. I saw a big sign in a store window that, on casual reading, seems to advertise 50-75 percent off the entire store, but when you carefully read the sign, including the smaller print, it turns out that it really offers 50 percent off 75 percent of the entire store. Now that’s just being sleazy. I’ll take accidental mistakes over deception any day, at least while my resolution holds.