This is the time of year where everybody tells you to have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, but sometimes people don’t feel so damn jolly. If you’ve ever tried to cheer somebody up who just got all cranky on you, I humbly offer up this list of dos and don’ts acquired over a lifetime of snapping at people who were just trying to help. May it ultimately improve your holiday experience.

         Situation: Life Burnout. Barbara is stressed out from work and kids and holiday shopping and there’s no end in sight.

         Do… take her out for ice cream or give her a foot massage. It doesn’t solve anything, but it gives Barbara the sense that you’re on her team.

         Don’t… expect that the foot rub or ice cream will have magical restorative powers. And don’t repeatedly follow up on her mood by saying “Feeling better now?” Now about now?” “Now?” It just reminds her why she was stressed in the first place.

         Cliché to avoid: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” This implies that the rest of your days will be like this one.

         Situation: The Breakup. Example: Scott got dumped by Tamara on Christmas Eve.

         Do… listen calmly no matter how many times Scott repeats the story. Better that he vents verbally with you than by writing a tell-all letter to her parents.

         Don’t… say terrible things you’ve always wanted to say about Tamara. They may get back together. Also, don’t send an internet “feel better soon” electronic greeting card.

         Cliché to avoid: “You’ve got to have faith.” People say this because it makes them feel smart and wise, though most of the time it has no real meaning. In the hundreds of instances where they’ve heard it used on lame TV shows, it’s gone over well. Everyone hugs and then they break for commercial. But people who have been dumped are in a cynical mood and have no patience for this.

         They say, “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Faith in what?”

Now that you’ve invoked the bad TV script, you have no choice but to follow through with: “Uh, faith in yourself,” or maybe “Faith that things will turn out for the best.”

         “Oh, well, problem solved then. Thanks a lot. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write a letter.”

         Situation: The Frustrated Expert. Example: Jim is a mechanic, and as a Christmas present he’s just rebuilt the engine on his wife’s prized ’57 Ford Thunderbird. It blew up on the test drive. He’s going nuts trying to figure out where he went wrong.

         Do… offer sympathy and give him a good opportunity to take a break from dwelling on it. Take him to a movie or play tennis.

         Don’t… attempt to “help” troubleshoot the problem if you have no any idea what you’re talking about.

          “Did you check the pressure in the tires before you started it?” 

         Cliché to avoid: “Everything happens for a reason.” This is one of those meaningless feel-good phrases that may work when you say it to yourself, but rarely when used on somebody else. Be especially careful not to use this phrase when somebody’s just hit their thumb with a hammer, particularly if they’re still holding the hammer.

         Situation: Mortal Despair. Example: Sally’s cat got stepped on by a fat visiting relative and the vet doesn’t think it’s going to make it.

         Do… be there to listen if Sally wants you to. Invite her over for tea, giving her a break from the relatives.

         Don’t…  put a replacement kitten under the tree. And if Sally’s not talkative, don’t take it upon yourself to act the therapist by trying to draw out her feelings with leading questions.

         “Where did you get her?”

         “The pound.”

         “My cat loves to trees. Does your cat climb trees?”

         “No.”

         The one-word answers indicate that Sally’s not interested in talking, but you may get the urge to press on anyway. “What are the top ten things you like about your cat?”

         “Okay, that’s it. Can you go home please?”

         “I’m just trying to help! Sheesh, why are you so mean?” Suddenly, it’s all about you. It occurs to Sally that she would have been better off not telling you about the cat in the first place. Nice going, pal.

          Cliché to avoid: Tie between “Who’s a Gloomy Gus?” and “A frown is just a smile upside-down.”

Sven Davis is an unlicensed advice giver and freelance writer. He can be hired for parties at