Headline: HOW TO MAKE SURE YOUR HOLIDAY MAIL IS SAFE (An Annual Hazard)

Question: How can I make sure my mail is safe this holiday season?- A Real Person

Good Question. The volume of material handled by the United States Post Office increases dramatically during the holiday season, what with cards and gifts and advertisements and all. It's unreasonable to expect the Post Office to identify the contents of each and every piece of mail. Oh sure, they can do their spot checks by "accidentally" ripping open a package now and again, or by allowing a curious machine to strip the envelope off the occasional letter to grandma, but by and large the mail passes through anonymously.

Which is good, at least as far as privacy goes. Only the most shameless extrovert wants their mail opened and inspected by strangers. However, this means that except for packages marked "FRAGILE: BOMB," which we like to think would catch the eye of some diligent agent in blue, the matter of mail security falls largely upon us.

One of the main pleasures of receiving mail is the surprise factor. What will it be? What will they say? Of course, we anticipate a happy surprise, but we must also prepare ourselves for the possibility of getting something much more sinister: A fruitcake.

Again, remember that the Post Office will not be able to help you. Irradiating the packages merely extends their shelf life. Sniffer dogs avoid them. No amount of package abuse affects them; it's like trying to beat up a sandbag. In fact, you know those big orange pads mounted on the backs of some Caltrans trucks that protect them from cars smacking into them? Recycled fruitcakes.

There are a number of things you can do to protect yourself. First, check the name on the return address. Warning signs:

1) The name is familiar.

2) They're over 50 years old.

3) They get more than two "home" magazines, like Sunset or Country Living or Self-Defense Baking or some such.

4) You, or one of your relatives, once sent them a fruitcake. This is how the Hatfields and McCoys got off on the wrong foot.

5) They believe that a gift made with their own hands is ten times more meaningful than anything bought in a store, and they don't own a still.

Now take a close look at the package. Did it require $18.45 in postage? Is the mailing label taped over another label, suggesting re-gifting? Are you already tired from holding it up? Warning, Will Robinson.

From the moment you suspect you may have a fruitcake in your midst, be absolutely sure not to tell anyone else who may live at your house. You may be harboring a fruitcakeophile. A fruitcakeophile will say something like, "You know, everybody is so down on fruitcakes, but I actually kind of like them. Let's keep it."

And you'll say, "Great. Here. Eat it."

And they'll say, "Not right now, let's just put it somewhere. It's not like it'll go bad by tomorrow."

This person will never actually eat the fruitcake, ever. The typical fruitcakeophile will defend fruitcakes, but rarely will they venture to ingest one. Meanwhile, you've got a storage problem.

It's best to quietly dispose of the thing. Some people favor giving it to others, but there's karma to consider.

Living in a seaside town, we have the romantic gangster option of tossing it off a wharf in the dead of night, but the 13-page application from the coastal commission makes it more trouble than it's worth.

Some favor parking in shady neighborhoods with their fruitcakes disguised as car stereos. Others are talking about using theirs to knock over the new River Street sign. A couple good whacks should do it.

In the end, though, you'll probably come to understand why fruitcakes were put on this earth, and allow them to fulfil their destiny. Donate it to Caltrans.