Marriage: Why Own When You Can Lease?

         Marriage is dead. It had a good run, but it lost its mojo. You know the stats. Half end in divorce, and of the rest, many are grinding on inn misery. For such a noble failure, it’s still terrifically popular. It’s a false promise and we know it, but we take the bait because it’s exactly what we want to hear: “You will not end up old and alone.” So we sign up and get acquainted with a new fear: being stuck with this person for life.

         “For life” isn’t very compatible with our modern lives. We don’t do anything else “for life”. The phrase “mate for life” more commonly refers to geese than humans. The very idea of doing anything “for life” is practically un-American. America’s about freedom and adaptability and creativity, right? There’s something in our drinking water that makes us hedge our bets. “I can always get a divorce if it gets ugly.”

         Heavens, I hope you don’t think I’m cynical. I do believe in love. And I do believe that the whole happily ever after thing does happen sometimes, and good for them.

         But there aren’t enough success stories to claim that marriage works. Like any monopoly, it got lazy about customer service and didn’t evolve with the times.  

         I used to hope that gays or lesbians would be all cutting edge and trendy and come up with something better. But they went for retro instead, and want to get married too.

         So I guess it’s up to me.

         Key factors in the failure of marriage: Bad communication. No accountability. A sense of being “locked in” to a bad situation.

         Consider this concept: You fall in love. You’re serious about it this time, but you’re sad because you just read that marriage is dead. Besides, though things have been really good for the past year, your spidey sense tells you that there are a few things that might be deal-breakers. Red flags. Things to talk about and work on.

         Eventually one of you wipes their mouth after dinner and says, “So, what are we doing here?” and you know what that means. Put up or shut up. But you’re not ready to make a promise you don’t know you can keep, like marriage.

         Here’s what you do: you agree to be together for a specific amount of time with mutual option for renewal. You say you want to commit to a year together. You can promise a year and follow through, can’t you?

         It’s not as romantic as saying, “Baby, let’s get hitched.” But it will protect you from complacency and it will force you to communicate. As the end of that year approaches, you’ll have to take a hard look at yourself. Did you get lazy because you had that year of commitment? Your contract is up, sweetheart. Get back to picking up the socks, going back to the gym, and generously offering backrubs.

         You’ll have to sit and talk about how it’s going. You’ll have to decide whether to re-up, and for how long. You’ll have to discuss what’s been going great and what’s going to need some more work. If you have reservations, you can leave or you can say you’re willing to give it six more months. Or you can say, “Darling, I don’t care if you stop picking up your socks, going to the gym, or generously offering backrubs. You’re the cat’s meow.”

         Then your partner says, “Well, I have reservations. For Italy! Lets go and celebrate a fresh two-year commitment!”

         Actual results may vary. But the point is that you haven’t gotten stuck in some crazy, lazy cycle of relationship mediocrity.

         The whole system is going to work even better if you share it with your friends and family. Talk your decisions over with them. They’re probably more than happy to offer you insight and meddling advice. Get letters of recommendation if you have to. If you decide to renew, throw a party and let everybody celebrate with you.

         Look at married people. Many are walking, talking cautionary tales against the institution. But with the renewal system, when you see a long term couple you know that they want to be together because they’ve confirmed it again and again. That’s inspirational.  Because being in love and being together is a beautiful thing.

         Next month: Tenure.