"Uh oh, there she is; the woman you had a one-night stand with. She's coming closer, only you have no idea what her name is. How many times has this happened to you? Or worse yet -- you forget her name while you're in bed with her on a second occasion."--www.askmen.com

So begins my internet-based, Google-driven research into methods of remembering people's names. Information about memory tricks, AKA mnemonic devices, is plentiful on the web. Everyone has to connect faces with names, but it's especially important for teachers, businesspeople, and apparently playboys. Not that the www.askmen.com crowd ever pays much attention to faces.

Most of the better memory tips I found involved using mental discipline, which is an evolutionary step beyond my usual techniques, which commonly employ subterfuge and cheating. Still, they work. Say you're at a party and someone you recognize shows up, but you can't remember their name. Their ego is in danger of bruising, but if you use one or more of my methods, you'll soon be introducing them by name to all the other people you barely remember.

Method one: Start a conversation about driver's license photos. When they take theirs out, take a peek.

Method two: Deploy a trusted confidant to introduce herself to the person and report back with the name. Write it down before you forget again.

Method three: The Alphabet Jolt. Find a quiet place. Start working through the alphabet, picturing their face while muttering aloud all the sounds of the alphabet starting with A. For the consonants, mutter them with all the vowell sounds, like "Ba, be, bi, bo, bu." If you're lucky, getting the first letter or syllable right will jar the rest of the name into your head. It's a satisfying exercise when you get Barbara's name right away, but it can be exhausting to get to Zack. Write it down, and write down all the names of all the new people you meet (do it on the sly, or people will think you're a reporter and watch what they say all night). Just before you leave, review the names and your goodbyes can be personalized. You're so money.

Of course, I may not bother with Zack. Guys can limp along forgetting other guys' names, because we can always say "Hey Dude!" or some other forgot-your-name substitutes, like, Man, Buddy, Bro, Pal, Buster, Amigo, and variations of Homeboy. It's not so simple when men forget women's names. In some circumstances you can make do with "Babe" or "Beautiful", but caution is in order.

The most effective methods of placing names to faces involve creating a mental link between name and face. I met a guy 20 years ago whom I STILL think of as a duck. I always remember his name, though. It's Bill. But always having to picture him with a big, yellow, mud-exploring proboscis seems undignified and distracting, so I discontinued the practice. Still, victims remain. In my mind, poor Carol will forever be singing Christmas songs, and Chelsea will always have a glass of iced ocean water (chill-sea).

Another oldie but goodie is making little rhymes out of people's names. So if you know a guy named Ed, picture him in a coffin and think, Dead Ed. Soon all those name problems at work are solved. But don't get too drunk at the office party. "I love all you guysh! Fat Pat, Hairy Larry, Diarrhea Maria, you ROCK!"

Then there's the old hammer it into your head technique, based on repeating the name in conversation. When people do that to me, it always sounds like they think I'm senile: "Good to meet you, SVEN, so SVEN, how are things in SVEN'S world? SVENNY?" Salespeople do this a lot; it's part of the specialized irritation training they get in salespeople school.

For those who prefer to improve their brains orally, there is no shortage of dietary supplements designed to enhance memory. There are a great number of ingredients that claim to improve memory and general cranial performance, but the leader of the pack appears to be Ginkgo Biloba, which is not a character from The Lord of the Rings but a tree. The leaves are said to improve memory as well as overall mental clarity, and are widely prescribed in France and Germany, where many people have a sense of history and are opposed to invading Iraq. Look for a domestic ban on Ginkgo soon.