Those of us who build and fix things love our tools, but the tools don't always love us back. A saw cuts wood and a saw cuts flesh; it's all the same to a saw. So as spring fills us with home-improvement energy, so too it fills the emergency rooms with people carrying their fingers in baggies.

After a life around tools and tool users, I've seen terrible things and I've heard terrible stories-stories of nail guns, weed whackers, and sledge hammers-that make grown, leathery, experienced tradesmen wince and clamp their knees together, because they know that some day it could be them. Tools can hurt you even if you're wearing flameproof overalls, leather gloves, safety goggles, earplugs, steel-toed boots, elbow pads and a condom.

I think tool stores should be arranged according to what part of your body is most at risk. Hanging above the aisles would be signs like EYE HAZARDS, BURN RISKS, FINGER REMOVERS, BACK BREAKERS, and KNUCKLE BUSTERS.

In the KNUCKLE BUSTER aisle, you'd find most of the automotive tools, including wrenches and ratchets and such. Anyone who's ever used a wrench in tight quarters knows the routine: You apply pressure to the bolt, but it doesn't want to go. So you push really hard. A little voice inside you predicts you that when the bolt suddenly turns, you won't be able to stop the forward momentum of your hand before it slams into some nearby immovable object. But the desire to get the bolt off drowns out the warning, and CRACK! You've punched the engine. You curse; the engine chuckles.

The same warning voice tells you not to pick up the most dangerous tool in the shop: the slotted (flat-bladed) screwdriver. Slotted screwdrivers slip from the slot and stab.

The really dramatic injuries are usually due to the biggest, noisiest power tools, like the table saw. The table saw is just a table with a circular blade sticking up through it. You run a board over the table, and presto, two boards. The table saw really freaks me out. Like other big power saws, the instruction manual points out dozens of ways you can get hurt operating the tool, which is one reason why nobody reads the manuals. Too scary. The manual for my VCR has many warnings, too, but they're far less likely scenarios. Come on, like I'd immerse my VCR in water. But the lawyers insist, so you get things like "WARNING: Do Not Eat Your New Panasonic VCR." Saw warnings make sense: "Do Not Cut Through The Power Cord."

Safety attachments for tools, however, often make less sense. Certain tools are inherently dangerous, and accidents put pressure on the manufacturer to make the tool safer. So they add guards and shields, which make the tool look safer, but many people find these add-ons to be in the way, or even hazardous, and remove them. This doesn't make for a net increase in safety for the operator, but it does absolve employers and tool manufacturers of responsibility. You can't sue them, because you took off the safety mechanism, you knucklehead.

Compared to saws, drills don't seem very dangerous. So you drill a hole in your leg, big deal. That's what putty's for. But if the drill bit gets jammed and can't turn any more, suddenly the part you're holding wants to turn. Kind of like, if you hold onto a propeller, won't the airplane spin around? This can sprain your wrist, or even break fingers. The drill press, which is a drill mounted on a stand, is much safer unless the bit grabs your long hair and starts reeling your head in like a marlin.

It's not much safer out in the yard, where many a barefooted, Bermuda-shorted homeowner has pulled out the old power mower and mulched the lawn with his foot. You'd never see a professional gardener dressed like that- they're covered from head to toe, because they know those tools scatter rocks and sticks like shrapnel.

I try to be safe. But given my frequent exposure to tools, the optional "accidental death and dismemberment" insurance offered by my last employer looked like a good deal. Exact payments for various misplaced body parts were listed. I'd get X-thousand dollars for a severed toe, ten times that for a lost eye. When finances were tight, I would start looking at my thumb as a serious investment opportunity. High school shop teachers are famous for having a missing finger or two; maybe this is how they make ends meet on a teacher's salary.

When it's time to but something for Father's Day, we often buy him a tool. But is this sending the right message? The card reads, "Dad, I hope you enjoy this big ladder. By the way, is your will up to date?"