Getting Started in Home Improvement

Question: It seems to me a person should know enough about the world of tools and hardware to at least put up a shelf. When I tried, it fell and destroyed my snow-dome collection--Water and plastic snow everywhere. How can I become more self-sufficient? - Hardware Illiterati

Good question. Statistics reveal that snow-dome related accidents are on the rise in this country, and it's time we make a stand, or at least a shelf, to hold the heavy little buggers up. Incidentally, the fluid inside is typically an antifreeze, not water, so be sure the cat doesn't lick it up.

It's a good feeling to be able to take care of simple home improvement tasks yourself. Still, since moving off the farm many of us seem to have lost the knack. In many Santa Cruz County homes the entire hardware inventory is stored in a peanut butter jar, and the only power tools came from Camouflage.

It's not too late. Start by getting a good do-it-yourself book.

The best thing about these books is that you can tell, at a glance, that you have no hope in hell of doing certain things yourself. As a new bud on the tree of knowledge, don't start with making leaves for your dining room table. Stick to small projects, and then branch out.

There are lots of helpful books out there. Readers Digest puts one out that's popular. Just be sure to look for one that caters to beginners or you'll get flummoxed by tips like "Step One: remove water heater." A book for real beginners would require at least 27 steps for removing a water heater, including a brief section on swearing.

The only thing you can fix with the book itself is a computer monitor that's two inches too low, so you'll need to acquire some tools. Generally speaking, you can buy tools as you need them. Even if you don't end up using the tools yourself, a visiting friend may offer to fix your kitchen table, and they'll need tools. Some pointers:

Buy good tools with lifetime warranties, such as Craftsman brand (at Sears). They'll last you well into old age, when you may need reliable pliers to help you pinch your spouse's butt the way you used to.

The ability to make and use good tools is what gives us dominion over the animal kingdom. If cats could operate the can opener, they would rule the world.

Don't buy anything that promises to be "everything you ever need in one handy tool." It's not. Before you finally throw the thing away, it will have broken two critical attachments, one finger, and its promise to be everything you need. Be especially wary around Father's Day.

The first power tool you should buy is a drill. Holes are the basis for installing practically everything. You can also use them to drive screws much faster than you could by hand. Cordless is cool, but not as strong or reliable as one with a cord.

Once you start doing projects, you can impress your friends with little badges of courage like skinned knuckles and splinters, but if you're not more careful by the time you start using power saws, they'll be oohing and aahing while standing around your hospital bed. Seriously, get safety training and don't use them by yourself.

While we're on the subject, any power tool that seriously cuts you must be destroyed like a vicious animal. You can try to drive out the evil spirits with burning sage or store it elsewhere according to the tenets of feng shui, but that's just superstition. The fact is that once they taste blood you can never trust them again.

One of the more enjoyable ways to learn to do things is to trade skills. If you know someone who can fix things, and you have a skill they lack, you can teach each other. For instance, say your friend just built a kids' treehouse with satellite TV and laundry hookups, but can't cook and is frightened by potlucks. You, on the other hand, have your own cooking show.

When potlucks happen, your friend comes over and you demonstrate how to make some excellent devilled eggs. Later, your friend can come over and help you replace the garbage disposal recently destroyed by so many eggshells. You both learn something, save some money, and maybe sleep together afterwards.

And if you break the kitchen table again, this time you can fix it yourself.