HOW TO DATE WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

Question: Everybody I'm interested in is way out of my league--better looking, more successful, and more popular. How can I learn to get past this vicious cycle and learn to love someone more like me? - Coming To My Senses

Oh come on CTMS, be honest. You'd rather date the unattainable, wouldn't you? So why are you selling yourself short? You only live once, after all.

There are all sorts of self-help books that can help you, but don't bother looking in the relationship section. Those books are full of self-exploration, communication skills and other classic wastes of time. Go directly to the business section and get yourself books on sales, marketing, and public relations, for it's there that ye shall find the information that ya seek. You just have to adjust the material to fit your circumstances.

Wherever you see the word customer, replace it with possible sweetheart.

Replace words like product and service with your name.

Substitute complete the sale with have sex.

Books about business are generally upbeat and aggressive, and that's the spirit you'll need. Take a hard look at your disadvantages. These can be transformed into the tools you'll need to create your ideal future. It's all about spin, my friend. You say you're so terminally shy that at parties you can barely say a word to anyone? I say you're deep. You're mysterious. You're bored by the scene. Most people would rather talk than listen anyway, so wipe that deer in the headlights look off your face. Lean back and cross your arms. Chew gum if it helps fight off panic, but chew it slowly. Before long they'll be curious about you, this strange creature that seems to be unmoved by their perfection.

You may be intimidated by the dazzling good looks of your intended, but don't bother. The politics of attraction are easy to manipulate. (Yes, manipulate! Don't get all weak kneed on me now, do you want this or not?) There are several chinks in the armor of the gorgeous psyche that will work in your favor. First of all, most beautiful people are concerned that people might only like them for their looks, which, in their defense, is often true. Second, they will often prefer to hang around with people less attractive than themselves so that they don't feel competitive or upstaged.

Is this good news for you or what? With you by their side, they can relax and enjoy the unobstructed attentions of the room. "Accidentally" show a picture or two of less attractive past partners, reinforcing the idea that for you, looks come second. Together, you can mock attractive couples for their obviously superficial attraction to one another. Mocking people is an important bonding ritual for beautiful people.

In sales, it's often more difficult to get someone to switch brands than to continue with a known quantity. Assuming that they typically date within their own league, this makes you the new brand in town.

Remember that advertising is all about selling an image, not reality. Since you're a new experience to them, you're in a position to paint a picture of yourself that capitalizes on the differences, not the similarities. These differences can make you seem more interesting, even exotic. People are naturally curious, so make your target want to know more about you. If you have any traits that are more difficult to spin, like a horselaugh or an obsessive need to spin three times whenever you see a fire hydrant, you're going to have to work the eccentricity angle. A tragic past goes great with eccentricities, so make one up. Kidnapping is always nice.

Once you get your foot in the door of this new dating scene, things will begin to snowball in your favor. Once your new companion introduces you to their friends, expecting silent praise for their newly revealed nature--broad-minded, generous and philanthropic--they're hooked. Their egos will not allow them to believe that they've been duped by someone clearly in the minor leagues, so they'll take on the workload of convincing their friends, and themselves, that you're the prize of the century.

And so, CTMS, soon you'll be out enjoying the relationship you deserve. If you're lucky, it'll last long enough for you to attend your high school reunion or at least print up holiday cards with a photo of the two of you.

Finally, and this is the most important thing, just relax and be yourself.